BiF

My life would make a lousy film because... Pt 1:

I have never lit a post-coital cigarette.

I have never ridden, as a patient or a concerned passenger, in an ambulance.

I have never awoken to answer a ringing bed-side telephone with the accusatory greeting, ‘Do you know what time it is?’

I have never come home, walked into my living room and fixed myself a drink.

I have never owned, worn or walked around my apartment in a white cotton vest.

I have never felt imperilled enough in a public eatery to excuse myself, walk briskly to the toilets and try to escape through the window.

I have never got into a taxi and said simply, ‘the airport and step on it’.

When I answer the phone I use polite English ‘He-llo’ by way of greeting. I do not use, ‘Yeah?’, ‘Y’ello?’ or ‘What is it?

I have never had someone slam the phone down on me.

I have never walked into a building and said, ‘Hello, is anybody there?’

I have never run through a hotel kitchen.

I have never driven at great speed through an alleyway.

I have never fled down a backstreet only to come up against a 10 foot unscalable metal mesh gate.